Monday, March 18, 2013

Lonely my new friend



since you are not here, I didn't do nothing but staying with her, since I woke up in the morning, she stays in front of me and remembers me this is what is real, another day without you, almost nothing…

I start to move, the cold stop me, the bed calls me, is about to convince me and it has two reasons… that outside is cold and over all, that maybe sleeping I don't remember nothing.

but I don't believe because I've dream about you already, that you were still here with me, that our lives didn't change, that you have never gone, that even in dreams I was with you…

in the morning's coffee lonely stays by my side and shows me with the finger all the things you liked, your toasts, your honey, how good you made all that things, your smart smile when you where ready, your way of being…

after the first sip lonely full me with your pictures with that smile in the morning, with that pajamas that mades you more sweet if it was possible, with that way of watching that gives me life for one day, and sealed it with a warm kiss.

one more time stays in front of my face, while I try to avoid her eyes focusing in the light of the window, and she calls me for my name, and compares me with what's left in my coffee cup, almost empty, at two sips to be finished, the rest of what it was and that no want would like to touch…

I see the cup and move it, while the first sun beams get in from the window and it's warm calms me.. the time goes slowly, I sink in a black water like the coffee, I close my eyes and my lonely goes a away, now there really is no one left, actually .. there os nothing..

the most deep silence calls me, whispers me: let you fall, I see the precipice excavated by my soul until the most deep part of my imagination, and in the button with a shovel they are waiting me my soul, my lonely, and me.

I see my self in the edge between let my life here or continue with it, meanwhile the clock makes my harry up, I don't like any of the two paths, while my lonely comes back and asks me what are you doing right now, and I say: enough, she don't care, she don't care if I don't go out from that door today, if I stay in the corner of the room in the floor trying to feel as tiny as the nothing, watching how the sun lights the floor in the morning, and the dust … I wish i could be one of them.

do you think she thinks on you? asks me still there standing up with the body aiming to me with the eyes calm and imperturbable, I answer no, but anyway she knows it, because my life didn't change a bit, I'm still with the same routine, now more without sense, now more cold, now because yes…

my dark and cold room shows me that your light and happiness is missing, and I look for trough my things finding just memories that talks about you, about our episodes, about why they end up there…

and my clothes still smells like you and still stands in front my mirror the perfumes you gave to me, and I start to loose again the will to continue, and my breath stops, the air is not getting in I don't want it, and I close my eyes and lie on the wall, my lonely appears again and tells me: do you remember? again, of course I remember this wall…

how many times I squeezed her there in the morning, how many passion it has to stand, how many time it lasted, and why it has to finish?

a deep sigh wakes up me, I'm late again, doesn't matter, nothing more can happen to me, I go out from the door without thinking in nothing, with the mind in white to face another day more, with the hope all of this one day will be finish, and with the fear that this is all the mornings..
from here, since you are gone, until .. the nothing... 

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